Does your husband ever help out with the night time feeding shift/diaper change?
Glen and I have been having a little dispute on the "roles" of who should do what, so I thought I would ask and see what other people do. NO I'm not turning to friends and random strangers to solve my marital questions, I'm just curious as to what works best for other couples.
In Glen's opinion he says I am the stay at home mom, and it's my job to care for Preston. He feels that since he gets up every morning to go to work and provide for our family (so that I can stay at home), he shouldn't have to get up in the night. He then also tells me that I can nap all day, so getting up in the night shouldn't be a big deal.
Now I will say that I agree that in most cases it is my job and privilege to get up with Preston in the night. I think it's fine for Glen to get a full nights rest because I understand that he has to get up and go to work. However, I also feel like raising Preston is more then just my responsibility, it a joint effort. It doesn't make sense that Glen's job is M-F, 8-5, and my job is 7 days a weeks 24 hours a day. At what point do I get a break or some help with "my job"?
I don't think I am asking much, but I think it would be nice if Glen could help out at least once a week, like on a friday or saturday night. I'm not even sure if I could really sleep through the night by myself without worrying about Preston, but it's the fact and principle that Glen isn't even wiling to offer to help.
I try and explain to him that a nap does not make up for lost sleep, (contrary to what he thinks), and that I would do anything for a consecutive 8 hours of sleep (which he gets every night). So my question is, am i asking too much? Glen loves to tell me that i can always get a job and he will stay at home with Preston, if that's what I want..... but seriously, he knows that's not what I want, all i want is a night off or some extra sleep every once in a while. Tell me there are other stay at home moms that expect their husbands to pitch in a little, i know i can't be the only one.
So what works for you? Do you stay at home moms do everything?
And I must make mention.... Glen is a great dad and husband. He holds Preston and changes diapers when he is around with no problems. I am only asking for help when it comes time to night/early morning when he would rather sleep then help. Preston really is a super easy baby so it's not that caring for him is hard, its only the fact that not getting good sleep for the last three months, (not to mention the additional last few months of being pregnant) is wearing down on me.
And I must make mention.... Glen is a great dad and husband. He holds Preston and changes diapers when he is around with no problems. I am only asking for help when it comes time to night/early morning when he would rather sleep then help. Preston really is a super easy baby so it's not that caring for him is hard, its only the fact that not getting good sleep for the last three months, (not to mention the additional last few months of being pregnant) is wearing down on me.
and for all the working moms, and singles moms out there.......you are something else, wonder woman i guess, and i truly admire you.
one last side note.... I absolutely love being a stay at home mom, this is what i have always wanted to do and i feel extremely lucky that I am able to be the one that stays at home and cares for Preston while Glen provides for our family. Preston will be three months on the 10th and I am sure once he starts sleeping through the night I will get over my little tangent and things will be just peachy, but when we have another baby I plan on letting Glen know what I expect before baby arrives.
one last side note.... I absolutely love being a stay at home mom, this is what i have always wanted to do and i feel extremely lucky that I am able to be the one that stays at home and cares for Preston while Glen provides for our family. Preston will be three months on the 10th and I am sure once he starts sleeping through the night I will get over my little tangent and things will be just peachy, but when we have another baby I plan on letting Glen know what I expect before baby arrives.
20 comments:
Well, when Kalena was Preston's age I would do the late night feedings/changing the nights that BJ needed to sleep for work, but on his days off, then I would wake him and tell him baby was crying and it was his turn. I still didnt get a full uninterrupted nights sleep, but at least I didnt have to get out of bed multiple times. Get that man to help you out on the days he has off!! Love ya!
hahaha i love you Paige! How old is Preston now? He should be almost to the point to sleeping through the night. But I will tell you this I think husbands should help out as much as they can. When Ruby would wake up every 3 hrs through the night I would try and try to get Pike up and he swears he never heard me. So I pulled the crib right next to the bed and put diapers right next to me so I would never have to get up. On a few occasions I would hit Pike to wake him up to help me if it was needed. he never was awake for the feedings but it didnt make sense to have us both awake when it wasnt necessary. Before I started working I felt like I was never going to have my time to relax. Now I work a few hours a day adn so Pike gets to stay at home and play mr mom. Thats why he helps...cuz he is home already. There are times when he goes surfing and it makes me mad cuz I am stuck at home taking care of our child and he gets to still do fun things. I hate it most on Saturdays. I feel that it would be awesome if he took her on saturday mornings after I fed her so I could sleep a little longer. Or even sunday. But he sleeps in and I do the mommy work.
I tell him once the kids get older he is responsible for taking them outside to play for an hour or so each day so I can get a break. But since Pike is only a student and works 2 hrs a day he is home more so he can help out more, so i have him change pee diapers and occasionally he will change the poo ones. But when I am feeding Ruby and he is around you better believe I ask him to get me food/water/computer/book!
But for Glen I think he can take saturday mornings just to help you out! you need your time! Even if its an extra 5 minutes in the shower it helps you feel better!
I totally agree with the hubby pitching in. It's the best thing in the world when you hear the baby cry and you feel so so worn out that you think to yourself "if I get up I will fall out of bed and crawl to him..haha" and then to realize your husband just got out of bed to take care of the baby. You should take turns because if you don't then eventually you will be so tired that you will get sick and that means he will have to take care of him.
Mom's really do need a break and especially at night so you can have all the energy you need to take care of the baby the next day as well as everything around the house, errands, etc. It's not that we aren't grateful to be a stay out home mom but we need a break too! Good Luck Paige :)
I did what your friend in the second comment did. I just pushed the crib right next to our bed and had the baby right there. It was so nice, because if Chris gets up in the night he literally can't fall back asleep. So I don't have the option of making him get up to change a diaper or rock the baby because no matter what time it is he can't fall back asleep and then he is up the rest of the night. Now, I am not sure, because you didn't say, but I also breastfed so it didn't make sense for him to get up. So I was the one that chose to breastfeed and I also am the one that can fall back asleep, so in our situation I was the one to wake with the baby at night. However, I did what I had to make my life easier, the crib up by the bed and then I would just roll over feed the babe and change it and then go back to sleep. It does get easier as they get older too, because they don't need their diaper changed in the night any more and they eat less often, especially if you are giving formula.
Now I am not saying the man shouldn't step up and help when he can, because he should. This is something Chris and I always struggled with, because I breastfed, Chris would act helpless, like he couldn't do anything for them at night, which was such crap. So I forced him to get involved like making him change every diaper during the day and getting them dressed rocking them to sleep at night. (when he could). He has done these things and made it much easier on me. All I can say is, if you are tired now, wait till you have 2 and are up all night with the second one and as they fall asleep so you could too, the older one wakes up for the day! That is when you want to kill yourself lol!
Sorry this is so hard for you, I think every mom goes through it. I think what helps is just learning and finding all of you options so that you and Preston are both rested and happy. For me, Cry it out and those type of parenting styles were never an option so I had to go the opposite way, which was co-sleeping. Which is different then bed sharing. It is just keeping the baby in the same room. That worked for us. If you have anymore questions I would love to help you! Good luck with your new parenting journey, i am sure you guys are doing a great job. And don't be afraid to give Glen a nudge, men need to be pushed sometimes. haha. Hope we can come visit you guys at some point! Hugs,
Angie Thompson
Angie, I breastfeed too and glen pulls the same helpless card! Hopefully Preston will sleep through the night sooner rather then later and the night thing will be taken care of. But the other day Preston had an off night and woke up every two hours and I told Glen I would pump just so I could get one night of decent sleep.... needless to say he wouldn't! I'm going to tell Chris he needs to smack Glen around. Hahah. Thanks for the advice! And yes, we really do need to travel some place and meet up.
Oh man. Yes I am a blog stalker and I love your beautiful little baby! I just cannot keep from involving myself in this conversation.
When Noah was home the first week I felt bad getting Jay up at night because, like everyone else, I felt dumb waking him up when I was breastfeeding. Jason was great at rocking him back to sleep those first 2-3 weeks because he knew how exhausting being a "new" mom was/is. But after then I let him sleep during the night when I got up to feed Noah and I think it spoiled him. I find it so hard because it's the same situation for us. Jason is the provider and he has to get up at 5am to go to work. However, my 'job' starts at 5 as well. And no. Napping does not compensate for not getting a solid 8 hours sleep. Yes I could take 4 or 5, 2-3 hour naps during the day- but I want 8 hours too! Then when it comes down to it and it's 2 am and Noah is crying I just get up and take care of him and put him down because I feel bad. Then by 4 or 5am I want to smother Jason with a pillow because I think he pretends to sleep through the crying. (Which bugs me even more). I'm like 'you're getting up for work anyway, can't you at least change a diaper!?' argh. And he's great during the day- he never complains about changing diapers or helping burp or soothe Noah when he's crying, he's just a pain about helping at night! haha The other day he tried to say that he was up with me "every time Noah cried." I'm like "uhh. Rolling over and kissing the baby on the head and going back to sleep is not 'getting up' with me nice try!"
I can totally understand it from the man's point of view. I think they have a harder time understanding from ours. I told Jay during a meltdown one day- "you come home from work at 5. At 5pm you're done with your job. I don't get to clock out, ever. My job is 24/7. Imagine being at work all day every day, and having to get up at night to help a client for 40 mins. An angry client. One that's biting your nipples!" haha He kind of gets it. But not really.. sigh.
We've all been there :o) it really just depends on the couple and the situation and you have to make it work as best you can, knowing that you BOTH have to compromise. If I get out of bed at night it takes me HOURS to fall back asleep, no matter how exhausted I am, whereas my husband can fall asleep in two seconds. He would never hear the baby cry, but he would feel me kicking him (lovingly, of course!) get up and bring the baby to me so I could nurse him in bed. It didn't always work and there were definitely some serious frustrations, but it gets better.
And I agree, this is something you have to sort out now, because you can't keep feeling like everything to do with kids falls under the "your job" category. It only gets more intense as they get older, stop napping, and you start over again with baby #2!
When Reagan was his age I would take care of her at nights that Matt would work. The weekends were a different story. The weekends we would switch off every other cry was my turn. This seemed to help and then I would take a nap later on sat and Sunday and Matt would watch Reagan so I could get some worry free sleep. Some times during the work week there were times that I just couldn't get up because I was so tired I felt like crying and I just couldn't get her, Than Matt would get up and get her. After a while you do et used to getting up at night and thats when he starts sleeping more and more through the night. I hope you guys find a system that works for you. Good Luck.
I think you should have help! Marriage and especially parenthood is a partnership. He may be working 40 hours a week, but that is not his only role in life! You are very lucky to be able to stay at home and be the mom you have always wanted to be. (Obviously I never had that opportunity!) You guys will work it out I am sure... but I think once or twice a week on late night Daddy duty is totally reasonable.
Dear Paige and Glen,
You two both worked so hard to get this cute little baby of yours to this world and to your family. What seems like such a chore and task for both of you at the moment will in the blink of an eye be a distant memory of a cooing cubby faced baby.
Glen, don't miss out on the amazing moments and ability you have of being able to "provide" Preston with the calm that only your warm loving arms can give him when he is restless in the night and needs to know and learn where and who will "protect" and "provide" for him in this life. Sometimes I think the world and time can stop for parents of little ones in those midnight hours when you can finally look into there eyes when the crying and feeding is done and a catch a little glimpse of the past and heaven they came from and at the same time a little glimpse of the future and eternity they are headed for. Let those hours and quite times be where you "preside" over your family and give them the emotional "necessities of life".
Paige, a mothers job will never be finished even when we want it to be. Charity sufferth long is an understatement in our line of charity as moms. Even when Preston sleeps through the night you will have 18 more years of sleepless nights. Make sure your attitude and differences with Glen on the subject do not turn that time you have to be with your baby in the still of the night and listen to the whispers of the spirit into a time to feel anger and resentment. He is and will continue to grow so fast. Your heartache of wondering if he would ever come is now gone, so rededicate yourself to him and your new life's work that you are in-barking on with the dawn of each new day. It is so hard to keep that focus and joy and it can be easily lost each day, but I feel that is our struggle as women and moms to find fulfillment and joy in being the primary person responsible for the "nurturing of our children". There is opposition in all things after all.
Both of you need to however help each other fulfill your roles. A tired mom is not a good nurturer, and a tired dad is not a good provider. I love you both!
Jill i love you.
Thanks to everyone for ALL of the comments, advice, and little tips. I guess I should clarify again that being parents is the greatest joy that BOTH of us have ever felt, and mine and Glen's marriage is happy, healthy, and thriving. I don't want anyone to be concerned or worried for us. :) I some times think it is helpful to listen to what other people do and what works for them. Its just nice to hear from a third party. Glen is a great dad, and I think I'm a pretty freaking great mom! :) I don't ever question either one of our desires or abilities to be a good parent. I was just looking to see what works for other couples. Preston truly is the worlds best baby so i can't complain at all about having the ability to be a stay at home mom. I'm just complaining about glen having no idea as to what it is like to wake up every night, multiple times. It is wearing on a mother and would be on anyone. I think it's only fair he does it for a night so he has a better understanding. But either way I don't want people to get the wrong idea!
I love being a mom Jill! Love it! And I think it's only normal that every couple go through this while they find a balance! But maybe you and Ryan were just pros from the beginning! Did Ryan ever take Jayna and let you sleep?!
I was not worried for a second about you and Glen and I know you are a Great Mom. I guess my whole point was that if you keep all problems in perspective it helps a lot. I thought your question was totally normal, and I do not think anyone got the wrong idea.
I was trying not to take side on this, but Ryan let me sleep all the time (I did breast-feed forever though and Jayna was in our room for a couple months) and to this day his most cherished time with Jayna is putting her to bed. It gets harder for Dads I think because Ryan gets home at 5 or 5:30 and then Jayna goes to bed at 7:30 or 8 so there time is short together. So your frustration may change later. You may be like me and want time with your husband and all he wants to do is play with the kids. lol No we were not pros, but Ryan loves to help and is very good at doing so. Sorry Glen!
so here is my opinion as well as my husbands....Brace yourselfs! haha!
First and for most...You BOTH chose to have a child. I think it's so crazy that in our society people think men should be let off free and clear from helping to take care of a child that is his flesh and blood just because he is the "provider"! it blows me away. It's not that a mother chose to be a mom and a dad chose to work...You both chose to be parents so you both share responsibilty for the child until the day he/she turns 18! There are honestly days that I am envious of my husband that he gets to get in the car everyday BY HIMSELF and drive to work and be there all day long without kids to worry about. but at the same time, I wouldn't trade being a stay at home mom for anything. I adore my kids! Don't get me wrong, my husband works his butt off to provide for my little family and I am beyond grateful for him and I want to make him happy! but as a husband I know he is so grateful and appreciative of me for taking care of our kids every single day and he always wants to make sure I am happy and well rested too. He tells me all the time that he could never ever stay home with the kids all day. and I think that's why it has always been so easy and never a fight for us when our babies wake up at night! We have respect for one another! and we appreciate eachother for the things we both do to provide for our little family. and we care about eachothers needs and wants. We have always traded off waking up with our babies and it works great for us! and to be honest, neither one of us is ever tired! We are in this together and both take responsibility and we BOTH work hard every single day in so many different ways.
WHEW!! Did I miss anything? haha! That pretty much sums up our opinion! :)
paige you just made me so grateful for my husband! he woke up and brought frederick to me to feed every time he woke up. and he was always the one that would stay up for hours in the middle of the night with frederick when he had a bad night.
all couples are different so i think you just have to find your groove. if you are feeling tired from getting up in the night just make sure you get your naps in. when frederick was little and i was feeling tired i would lay down with him for his nap in the afternoon and those are some of my fondest memories. nothing like catching up on sleep and cuddling your baby - talk about killing two birds with one stone!
soon it will be over and you will forget who even woke up - until you read a blog post like this and remember. :)
Wow these are some serious comments and people have some good advice. Seeing as how I just went through this (still kind of going through it) Blakely never started sleeping through the night on her own I had to do sleep training which was painful but worked like a charm. But before that she was waking up several times a night. I was breastfeeding at night so there was no reason for Hank to wake up but on the weekends if she woke up early or if I had an important race or something then Hank would get up with her. I feel like the guy should get sleep during the week if they are working but at the same time if you are ready to die of sleep deprivation or want to cry because he has woken up so many times then just hand the baby over, sometimes we all need a break!
Dearest Paige, I remember being so exhausted (undestatement) getting up in the night with my first, and wondering how I'd ever make it through, but he is now 3 and 1/2 and I promise you, this is all temporary and YOU WILL make it through. I also think its so great you are so open to hearing others points of view because that helped me greatly with many aspects of parenthood and being a spouse, and you've gotten some great advice on here. I can honestly say that now that I am preg with our fourth, that naps, while they do help a lot, certainly do not make up for interrupted night-time sleep. (And actually I'm lucky if I get a cat nap nowadays!) Even if you got 10 hours total night-time sleep, if you were woken up every two hours, you are a wreck, and I know this from personal experience, and because I've read up on what it does to a person to miss out on restful, uninterrupted sleep for months at a time. That being said, we are moms and that is our job to get by on little sleep, little food, little interactions with adults and somehow look beautiful, make meals for our families, and the sick, clean house, do laundry, do our VT, etc. etc. and I think its important that you not take too much on right now, YOU JUST HAD A BABY!!! You do need rest in any way you can get it, but I remember being tired, but not really wanting a nap sometimes, so I don't blame you if you don't really feel like sleeping every time sweet Preston is sleeping, sometimes you just want some "me" time. And being isolated at home can be tough especially someone as social as I know you are. So sometimes blogs and facebook and phone calls make it easier to get through the day when your just done with baby talk. :o)
Here is the rest of my comment: Dave and I seem to have a great partnership worked out. It didn't happen overnight, by any means, but I can tell you sincerely I would be in a looney bin if Dave didn't do as much as he does. Granted, I need his help more now than I did when we only had the one, but I gotta tell you (and Glen) that his willingness to do whatever to help me made all the difference in the world. He did offer many times to get up in the night with all 3 of our kids (even now with our 3 year old wetting the bed occasionally) and sometimes I take him up on the offer, and I am so grateful, but I do try to let him sleep since I pretty much can't sleep unless I know my babies are sleeping and so I felt early on that there was no sense in us both being awake, but he then would get up some mornings with the kids and let me sleep in, or he takes the kids to the park, or whatever he can do, on his own accord, I usually never have to even ask for it. But I think the most important thing is not only how much it helps me that he is so hands-on, but that our kids are so incredibly attached to him because of it, even our 11 month old girl. I actually have been discussing this whole thing with Dave and he is very much a believer in that we have our main roles, but we support each other in those roles, meaning I help him in any way I can so he can get to work and provide for us, and when he comes home, he belongs to the family and he either takes over so I can rest or we take it all on together (including housework), or he gets a night to go fishing or whatever. We very much treat it like its our responsibility together, but within the bounds we are able. I don't make him get up with the kids every weekend, some weekends he sleeps in, and I think that we both try very hard to give each other some slack and try to think of each others needs, so when he needs a break, I am able to give him one, and vice versa. I have no doubt Glen is tired from his work and even more so his commute (I've done the hour+ commmute) and that he'd much rather be home with you and Preston, I know thats how Dave has always felt, but there is nothing like the physical and emotional toll that pregnancy and childbirth takes on a woman and its only been, what 3 months? Its a very new adjustment for both of you and I have no doubt you both love it and love each other and thats why I KNOW you will figure out what works so you will welcome all that comes with parenthood and face it together. You need to be able to depend on eachother because ANYTHING can happen and taking an active role and being selfless and Christ-like towards each other is so important. And I promise this is not just coming from me, this is coming from Dave who works and I stay at home. :o) Anyway, I sincerely hope this helps. You guys are not alone, many couples struggle for at least a little while to figure out their groove. :o)
I am all fired up!But I will be nice! I agree that it is my main responsibility to get up at night, however, weekends are up for grabs and anytime you feel like you are going to lose it. I don't know a husband out there that wants an irrational, crazy, tired, wife, and one night of sleep can change that instantly. Rich has always been amazing at helping when I ask, but when she was little I would hear her when he was up and then we would both be up. Pointless! So when I was desperate, I slept in the other room with ear plugs and put the monitor by him and slept all night. There is no way a mom can lay there and listen to their baby cry and be able to sleep through it- so seperate room and ear plugs! If he won't agree to a weekend night at least, then a hotel all alone will get you a great nights sleep! He is completely capable! And as for the proclomation insert from Glen, I know my Heavenly Father and I KNOW that if you took this to prayer, and paige needed one night every once in a while, there would be no question on what the answer he would give you would be. She will only love and respect you more than she already does! It is a small sacrifice to you but a huge act of service for her! I honeslty do not know of 1 husband, off of the top of my head, that hasn't gotten up with their children from time to time. Rich maybe had to do a whole night 3 times, but let me tell you, I needed it more than I ever could have thought and my love for him quadruppled. Glenn you are an amazing husband and father and Paige you are an amazing mother and wife! I do think that we all go through this and prayer goes a long way to making a compromise!!Love you guys!
Hey Paige,
So I totally get how you feel! The first few months are the hardest. In our case I would never wake Merrill up at night because I felt way to guilty. Sometimes he would decide to get up on his own but I never forced the issue. With men if you try to force or tell them what to do they tend to want the opposite. As a mom it is 24/7 and that is just how it is when they are that little. The whole time I was nursing I NEVER left him haha. As he got older Merrill would come home see I was stressed and he would take Ryland while I went upstairs and had a little cry and got a breather that helped a lot! Also when Ryland was older on weekends Merrill would get up with Ryland in the mornings and let me sleep in. So maybe you and Glen can work something out on like saturday when he does not have to get up early. I honestly just think it is a guy thing and hopefully it will get better the older he gets. No offense to Glen. :) I get it though working is hard for dads and taking care of baby 24/7 can be hard for moms. So at some point both of you guys need a break. I still take naps with Ryland those seem to help me. Things will work out you just have to get in the groove things are still new. :) Good luck!
I basically spent 24/7 with Carmen while she was nursing ("don't start solids until at least 6 months!") and I was totally batty. She didn't sleep through the night until 10 months, but after she started solids she started only waking up once or twice a night to feed.
Carmen slept with us until we were too distracting for her to fall asleep. Mark falls asleep more easily than I do, so he would bring Carmen in and take her back. He'd still start snoring before I'd fall back asleep.
Someone once told me about the "law of shifts" (I think they other two are called "graveyard" and "swing"). You can only work 2 of them because you need time to sleep or time to yourself. Your hubby works one of them, and he needs to choose which other one he'll work so you can have a break.
The way things work in our house is I'm in charge of everything and I tell Mark what to do. He doesn't know when to do the dishes or put his laundry away or change the cat litter, but when I say, "This needs to be done" he'll do it. Find what works for you and your hubby. :) I spent a lot of time feeling guilty about asking him to do things because of what *I* thought was my "job" and his "job". He was a lot more understanding than I thought he would be.
My friend Cat's husband takes the baby on Friday and Saturday mornings so she can sleep in.
It gets easier.
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